Sunday

Wow...it's been ten days since my last post and happy to be home in my own house. This morning I awoke feeling good inside, made some tea and thought I'd talk to myself about a few things that have been on my mind lately.

Usually, my morning involves a call made to Karen, but as I speak to her; and I still do I receive nothing in return. I cannot say how sad it makes me feel and still unable to process the fact that she is no longer here anymore. There are times during the day when I'm so busy, I do not even think about her and other times it hits me so hard in the heart with a stone it knocks my breath away. It is really difficult to get through sometimes. It hurts even more knowing my Mum has lost two of her children and must face the world with only one child npw. I do not dare to ask how she manages because I suppose I cannot bare to hear her not be the pillar of strength that I have always seen in tragic times. I have seen her fall this time understandably and it was a time I have never seen before. I am person who dreads having to confront situations that are difficult. No one does, but it is a great fear that I hate to face even thought I know I must.

During the plane ride to ZA in November, I knew that it was going to be a hard journey to take. I do not know why, but just had a feeling of dread I had never felt before and knew that my return home would be made with great change. The skeptic at heart, I tried to quell my feelings but sitting alone onboard the flights I had nothing else to think about other than what lay ahead. Those feelings are useless now. It was so many things aside from a huge case of DEATH. Not only did Karen die, I had also visited my younger sister's grave site for the first time and her death was made more real as well. It has surrounded us as a family these past five years and I'm really am tired of thinking about it. Or having to face it. Having to move on with a great loss in my life and watching others I love so much have to face it too.

I am not depressed and really do not know what it feels like to experience that sort of illness. Andrew says that I shove things aside too soon that I do not have time to experience grief and we had a long discussion about this very issue last night and how he thinks I am handling things. He says he's worried about me, but to tell the truth I really do not know how to feel. I had some greif counseling at the hospital just after Karen died and really didn't know what to say? Time, I suppose heals things best because sitting here right now I simply cannot describe how I feel. Sort of numb, angry a bit at the curcumstances even though it was no one's fault this time.

Andrew made certain she received the best care possible and really do not care if we used his medical status as doctor to push for the best care. But no one would do any different if they too had a doctor in the family. There was no drama besides Bryan's upset which to my own thought would most likely be the same if it were Andrew there dying. Seeing him crushed me. I've known him nearly all my life and never saw a man of his stature reduced to the state he was in that day. Karen's choice was a handsome one and Bryan has always been a strong man both physically and mentally. Andrew later said Bryan sank to the floor in the hall when he took him out of the room and couldn't standup. My three nephews were also in dispair but able to see their Mum through to the end. We all were, even my dad. They are all grown into young men now, but it is Evelyn I am most worried about. She has clinged to my mother and refuses to return home.

Mum called the other day with concerns about my neice and what to do with her. She has encouraged Evie to go home to be with her Dad and brothers because they need her, but she says she doesn't want to go. What to do, what to do? Mum has expressed interest in a long visit this summer here in Canada and must say I was overjoyed to hear her say that. But it looks like Evie may be joining her as my brother in law has already said she can stay as long as she needs to with Mum. She has agreed to return to Pretoria and stay there as long as Evie needs her. She really needs to go back to school and return to her life. But I think they both need each other a lot right now. Evelyn was very close to her mother and has even taken to crawling into my mum's bed at night because she says Evie cries so much and needs the soothing. I suppose looking at her as a young girl of 15 she is still a child in the heart and needs that closeness. Karen used to tell me that before bed they would cuddle close every night and talk about things that happened that day. Then it was a kiss goodnight and off to bed.

To tell the truth, I do not think Bryan can handle his daughter's grief right now. He's not the cuddling type. I have only spoken to him once since the funeral and he is not doing well either. My eldest nephew and his wife are taking care of things there right now and have moved in with him for the time being.

I suppose being far away and not having to be exposed to the daily reminders of my sister is good in a way and can see why Evie does not want to go home. She would be reminded of her mum everyday not being in their home. It hurts to imagine that and hurts more to know my niece must face it soon. But I am glad that Mum is there to help her get through this. Together, their healing will happen. I am certain of it.