Bored...

Life without writing is boring! Every since I returned home from ZA in January my creative life has been at a stand still. Nothing, empty, zip, gone...no ideas come to mind and I am really beginning to wonder if I have lost my senses.

Last week Andrew and I decided that moving back home was not in our best interest and made the ultimate decision to stay where we are. No move and we are not selling our house. I asked him if he really wanted to go or was is for me that he took the entry position in Johannesburg and of course he said it was for me that we would move. I sat and thought about this all night. Wandering the house on foot in the dark shadows of the street lamps illuminating through my windows. I live in a peaceful part of of the city and it was truly dead outside with not a stir from a taxi cab door or even a cat waltzing down the street. Not even a howl in the distance from a old dog wanting in his warm house. I thought of the peace this neighborhood has given me, the people and the hospital Andrew works at and have come to realize that home is truly where you are happiest.

I thought in delusion that returning home would be wonderful...but death, frustration and my country's twirl in things have made me feel a bit lost in that I no longer want it anymore. Confusion did set in for a while but when Andrew told me the news at Gatwick I was really happy. But I now know it was a just a temporary feeling mostly of the things I thought I wanted.

Well, I got what I really wanted after all and it is best served right here in Canada with my sometimes irrational husband, cranky kid and creepy new neighbour who really turned out to pretty nice after all. I have life and truly understand how precious it is having survived breast cancer and having the opportunity to share my life with two wonderful sisters who will forever be in my heart. I feel them in my soul when I think of them as if their spirits travelled across a plane just long enough to tell me they love me. I can feel them near and see their smiles clear as day but miss them both painfully too much. There is nothing I can do about this, and will have to let time heal and keep the fire burning with hope and comfort in a new generation with our children.

Evie is doing nicely living with Mum in Porto and they are having a great time there staying in a nice flat she purchased. Mum, in her retirement has found renewed life being a responsible grandmother to her only granddaughter and as Brian has seemed to GET OVER my sister a little too fast for our taste, Evie has not adjusted to his new relationship, via girlfriend and demanded that she she be allowed to move in with my Mum. Well, Brian trying to keep the peace said yes and Evie is in Portugal working on her studies there at a private school footed by mum and money from my sister's estate.

My brother-in-law has fell into a deep pit and I cannot figure him out at all. I cannot figure MEN out at all. I mean, in my opinion and who am I to say what is right and what is wrong, but I am beside myself believing that after 22 yrs of marriage to Karen that he is able to renew his affection for another woman this soon. I don't know, I tried not to pass judgement on him after speaking to him about it and listening to him say he is lonely and misses Karen so much that he needed someone to feel for him. Okay, I get it. And suppose that Evie has been a little difficult on her father and with my nephews away now I guess it is a very lonely place for him right now. He claims it is not a serious relationship and that she is not living with him nor does he plan to GET MARRIED. He still has not removed any of my sister,s things from their house. I found myself understanding him in a way, but others are showing their disapproval and upset about his so called disrespect.

Anyway, Mum and Evie live an entirely different life from us here. We are plain and basic and Mum, well she still has her handsome boyfriends and gets her nails done once a week. I am envious to tell the truth because my mum has always stayed so beautiful. Taking care of herself and still gets those looks every time a man passes for a woman who's 62. After all she's been through, she still is vivacious and cool.

This year we plan a vacation to visit my sort of step father, Hamza in Rabat and absolutely cannot wait to see him and the city. I love it there and often go to see him as he is a wonderful host and is Nina's father which somehow brings me closer to her. My mum and Hammie split a few years before she passed, but they have always remained close. He could not make Karen's funeral, but he did visit her earlier before the end. Hammie is such a wonderful man and really wish things turned out differently and sometimes in a really juvenile way secretly wished that he was my dad. SILLY! He was so good with Nina and with us treating us all the same. The man did accept my wedding and arrange most of it speaking as my father as my bioloical one played infantile and stayed away. Drama I can live without. It has gotten better now.

Life is good after these past months and I am happy. But still lost without the writing. Perhaps as Andrew says, a far off adventure is needed to inspire my taste. Hell, I've been to Rabat four times. Nothing new in that but a loving hug, fantastic food, new hijab (as his mother's house is muslim) and a great sunset. I cannot wait!