Sundays are usually the day where my family and I sit back, still clad in our bed clothes and reflect on our life as well as rest for the coming week. My son, on the other hand is a bit too little to understand the significance of the day. Andrew also has it off and does what he does best...read and fall asleep. He is constantly learning and now understands why our son sleeps 12 hours a day. LOL
At any rate, for me it's a day that I do not have to much to do and devote much of my time to myself. But as relaxing as it seems, it can also be filled with too much thinking, which has taken a lot of energy away from me these days.
My call home to mum was a cheery one aside from Evie's sadness which is still very hard to see. Everyone else seems to be doing better with Bryan getting back to work this week.
Life moves on.
However...this day I sit with a cup of hot cocoa in hand staring out of my dinning room window and remember the last moments of Karen's life and wondered what each and everyone of us thought at that moment. Even Karen. I wonder if there was any consciousness left in her to understand what was going on at the time. Andrew explained that she was too far off in the tunnel of deaths journey that he didn't think so and probably too brain damaged to think of anything on our level. But who really knows where the threshold of our consciousness begins and where it ends? Is it really positioned within the depths of our brain or someplace else? Why does it hurt so much in the middle of our chest when we are heart broken? Andrew can explained till he's blue in the face because apparently there is one, but they are far too many questions that leaves me skeptic to the answers.
Never in a million years would I think that I would be sitting there holding apart of my sister as she took her last breath. Many of us were there to hold her, each of us touching her as we prayed, talking to her knowing we were soothing a unresponsive mind. The talk was mostly for us to ensure that she knew she was loved and never alone.
I still cannot believe it. This lesson in life that will hit us all at some point. For some when we are older like me and other's like Evie so young. She should not have had to endure this kind of pain. Her biggest question...like us all "was there anything we could have done to save her?" No. Just like the day on the highway with Nina...no one could change what happened that day too. Eric still would have sped and they still would have died. There is no one blame anywhere and with this loss I no longer fear the experience of death. I do not fear the loss either. Grief will always come and be like a crinkled piece of paper, never to be smoothed out but to see the folds and lines not as damage or ruin, but as reminders of what it was that day and what it has shown me.
I saw my sister lying there, covered in her favourite blanket, peaceful silence quieted the room after they turned off the bells and alarms. There were nine of us. Myself, Andrew, mum, Bryan, Evie, Liam, Brice, Marcus, and Liam's wife, Caroline present. Andrew had taken Bryan out of the room after the commotion when Karen coded. He couldn't watch as he said and they waited in the hall until after the staff doctor told us she had died. It wasn't a horrid thing. Just a calm that began with a few moments of deep, laboured breath and then she went still and like in the movies settled into the shell that was once her.
She was gone.
I heard a broken sigh escape my nephew, Liam as he kissed his mother whispering "I love you so much, Mum." He repeated the 'so much' part twice and then went out to see his dad. His voice was very quiet but seemed so loud in the stillness of the room. No heartbeats, crying, sobs, just an odd quiet that was interrupted by Liam and then tiny sniffles from Evie. Don't get me wrong, there were many tears.
We were all given time to say our last goodbyes with Evelyn and Mum given the most given by themselves. It was important for my niece to have that. Even Mum, because she wasn't allowed that with Nina. None of us were. Nina was in bad shape and there was no viewing at the funeral and Mum had said she didn't feel that it was real because she never got to hold her daughter before they put her in the ground. I thought to myself, my god this is just too much to handle coming from my mother's mouth about my little sister. Just too much to handle for me to stomach. But now I understand what she meant. Seeing Karen die, being there, apart of her last seconds made it real and with that I can deal with it. I know its weird, but really for me dealing with it face first and front helped me accept that Karen is truly gone and a memory to cherish. I told her I loved and missed her each time before I hung up the phone after we talked. And I can her voice say it back to me, even now.
I really do not understand this "grieving process" that people talk about. What is grieving anyway? Crying, Acceptance, Reflection? I really wish someone would tell me because I really don't know what the hell I feel like. Or what I should be feeling like. Nina was disbelief and recovery. But what is this?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday
Wow...it's been ten days since my last post and happy to be home in my own house. This morning I awoke feeling good inside, made some tea and thought I'd talk to myself about a few things that have been on my mind lately.
Usually, my morning involves a call made to Karen, but as I speak to her; and I still do I receive nothing in return. I cannot say how sad it makes me feel and still unable to process the fact that she is no longer here anymore. There are times during the day when I'm so busy, I do not even think about her and other times it hits me so hard in the heart with a stone it knocks my breath away. It is really difficult to get through sometimes. It hurts even more knowing my Mum has lost two of her children and must face the world with only one child npw. I do not dare to ask how she manages because I suppose I cannot bare to hear her not be the pillar of strength that I have always seen in tragic times. I have seen her fall this time understandably and it was a time I have never seen before. I am person who dreads having to confront situations that are difficult. No one does, but it is a great fear that I hate to face even thought I know I must.
During the plane ride to ZA in November, I knew that it was going to be a hard journey to take. I do not know why, but just had a feeling of dread I had never felt before and knew that my return home would be made with great change. The skeptic at heart, I tried to quell my feelings but sitting alone onboard the flights I had nothing else to think about other than what lay ahead. Those feelings are useless now. It was so many things aside from a huge case of DEATH. Not only did Karen die, I had also visited my younger sister's grave site for the first time and her death was made more real as well. It has surrounded us as a family these past five years and I'm really am tired of thinking about it. Or having to face it. Having to move on with a great loss in my life and watching others I love so much have to face it too.
I am not depressed and really do not know what it feels like to experience that sort of illness. Andrew says that I shove things aside too soon that I do not have time to experience grief and we had a long discussion about this very issue last night and how he thinks I am handling things. He says he's worried about me, but to tell the truth I really do not know how to feel. I had some greif counseling at the hospital just after Karen died and really didn't know what to say? Time, I suppose heals things best because sitting here right now I simply cannot describe how I feel. Sort of numb, angry a bit at the curcumstances even though it was no one's fault this time.
Andrew made certain she received the best care possible and really do not care if we used his medical status as doctor to push for the best care. But no one would do any different if they too had a doctor in the family. There was no drama besides Bryan's upset which to my own thought would most likely be the same if it were Andrew there dying. Seeing him crushed me. I've known him nearly all my life and never saw a man of his stature reduced to the state he was in that day. Karen's choice was a handsome one and Bryan has always been a strong man both physically and mentally. Andrew later said Bryan sank to the floor in the hall when he took him out of the room and couldn't standup. My three nephews were also in dispair but able to see their Mum through to the end. We all were, even my dad. They are all grown into young men now, but it is Evelyn I am most worried about. She has clinged to my mother and refuses to return home.
Mum called the other day with concerns about my neice and what to do with her. She has encouraged Evie to go home to be with her Dad and brothers because they need her, but she says she doesn't want to go. What to do, what to do? Mum has expressed interest in a long visit this summer here in Canada and must say I was overjoyed to hear her say that. But it looks like Evie may be joining her as my brother in law has already said she can stay as long as she needs to with Mum. She has agreed to return to Pretoria and stay there as long as Evie needs her. She really needs to go back to school and return to her life. But I think they both need each other a lot right now. Evelyn was very close to her mother and has even taken to crawling into my mum's bed at night because she says Evie cries so much and needs the soothing. I suppose looking at her as a young girl of 15 she is still a child in the heart and needs that closeness. Karen used to tell me that before bed they would cuddle close every night and talk about things that happened that day. Then it was a kiss goodnight and off to bed.
To tell the truth, I do not think Bryan can handle his daughter's grief right now. He's not the cuddling type. I have only spoken to him once since the funeral and he is not doing well either. My eldest nephew and his wife are taking care of things there right now and have moved in with him for the time being.
I suppose being far away and not having to be exposed to the daily reminders of my sister is good in a way and can see why Evie does not want to go home. She would be reminded of her mum everyday not being in their home. It hurts to imagine that and hurts more to know my niece must face it soon. But I am glad that Mum is there to help her get through this. Together, their healing will happen. I am certain of it.
Usually, my morning involves a call made to Karen, but as I speak to her; and I still do I receive nothing in return. I cannot say how sad it makes me feel and still unable to process the fact that she is no longer here anymore. There are times during the day when I'm so busy, I do not even think about her and other times it hits me so hard in the heart with a stone it knocks my breath away. It is really difficult to get through sometimes. It hurts even more knowing my Mum has lost two of her children and must face the world with only one child npw. I do not dare to ask how she manages because I suppose I cannot bare to hear her not be the pillar of strength that I have always seen in tragic times. I have seen her fall this time understandably and it was a time I have never seen before. I am person who dreads having to confront situations that are difficult. No one does, but it is a great fear that I hate to face even thought I know I must.
During the plane ride to ZA in November, I knew that it was going to be a hard journey to take. I do not know why, but just had a feeling of dread I had never felt before and knew that my return home would be made with great change. The skeptic at heart, I tried to quell my feelings but sitting alone onboard the flights I had nothing else to think about other than what lay ahead. Those feelings are useless now. It was so many things aside from a huge case of DEATH. Not only did Karen die, I had also visited my younger sister's grave site for the first time and her death was made more real as well. It has surrounded us as a family these past five years and I'm really am tired of thinking about it. Or having to face it. Having to move on with a great loss in my life and watching others I love so much have to face it too.
I am not depressed and really do not know what it feels like to experience that sort of illness. Andrew says that I shove things aside too soon that I do not have time to experience grief and we had a long discussion about this very issue last night and how he thinks I am handling things. He says he's worried about me, but to tell the truth I really do not know how to feel. I had some greif counseling at the hospital just after Karen died and really didn't know what to say? Time, I suppose heals things best because sitting here right now I simply cannot describe how I feel. Sort of numb, angry a bit at the curcumstances even though it was no one's fault this time.
Andrew made certain she received the best care possible and really do not care if we used his medical status as doctor to push for the best care. But no one would do any different if they too had a doctor in the family. There was no drama besides Bryan's upset which to my own thought would most likely be the same if it were Andrew there dying. Seeing him crushed me. I've known him nearly all my life and never saw a man of his stature reduced to the state he was in that day. Karen's choice was a handsome one and Bryan has always been a strong man both physically and mentally. Andrew later said Bryan sank to the floor in the hall when he took him out of the room and couldn't standup. My three nephews were also in dispair but able to see their Mum through to the end. We all were, even my dad. They are all grown into young men now, but it is Evelyn I am most worried about. She has clinged to my mother and refuses to return home.
Mum called the other day with concerns about my neice and what to do with her. She has encouraged Evie to go home to be with her Dad and brothers because they need her, but she says she doesn't want to go. What to do, what to do? Mum has expressed interest in a long visit this summer here in Canada and must say I was overjoyed to hear her say that. But it looks like Evie may be joining her as my brother in law has already said she can stay as long as she needs to with Mum. She has agreed to return to Pretoria and stay there as long as Evie needs her. She really needs to go back to school and return to her life. But I think they both need each other a lot right now. Evelyn was very close to her mother and has even taken to crawling into my mum's bed at night because she says Evie cries so much and needs the soothing. I suppose looking at her as a young girl of 15 she is still a child in the heart and needs that closeness. Karen used to tell me that before bed they would cuddle close every night and talk about things that happened that day. Then it was a kiss goodnight and off to bed.
To tell the truth, I do not think Bryan can handle his daughter's grief right now. He's not the cuddling type. I have only spoken to him once since the funeral and he is not doing well either. My eldest nephew and his wife are taking care of things there right now and have moved in with him for the time being.
I suppose being far away and not having to be exposed to the daily reminders of my sister is good in a way and can see why Evie does not want to go home. She would be reminded of her mum everyday not being in their home. It hurts to imagine that and hurts more to know my niece must face it soon. But I am glad that Mum is there to help her get through this. Together, their healing will happen. I am certain of it.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Home at last
Yesterday was the first day where I had gotten out of bed without thinking about the past months affairs that have changed my life forever.
I sit at my desk still a wife, mother and daughter however, sister-less and accept that life throws terrible things at you from every angle sometimes and know I must move on.
My beautiful sister, Karen died on Dec 30Th and I still cannot phantom that she is gone. Furthermore, I cannot even begin to say how my brother-in-law and the kids are coping as I have never seen him so sad. He coined the phrase to my mum, "How am I going to live without her?" The day she died and was reduced to rubble and tears having to go home to a house that will never see my sister's form again. They have been married for 22 years and raised four children together. The youngest, Evie who is now with my mum and on extended grief leave off to Portugal. Haven for her in times like these. They have plans to do and see many things.
We are all devastated having to face another one of our women laid to rest and say goodbye so early before her time. I honestly thought that I would have her in my life longer, to always hear her voice at the end of the telephone line telling me advise, listening to my woes and talk about the day. Sharing secrets, even those that were not so good.
I feel very alone inside now. We talked nearly everyday. My morning call to her this morning was incomplete when I reached for the phone and realised that, even after a month away that she is not there anymore. But I am okay today having been through this before although at a different level.
Karen's death was natural, unexpected yes, but not taken tragically like Nina's. We were all with her as she left our kingdom to join our little sister and somehow, strangely feel somewhat comforted that she did not have to leave here alone.
Our Christmas was a wonderful one despite Karen's hospitalisation. We spent it with so many family and friends that I haven't seen in years. There were many new people there too. I was truly surrounded by the people who love me and who I love. We knew that Karen was going to die soon when we shared this day together and surprisingly there was no drama of who's who and who's what. People we respectful and allowed to celebrate it without incident.
I even made a wonderful new friend named, Rebecca. Who I had met at the mall under some very unusual circumstances, and later met her again, shared afternoon tea together and have since talked many times on the phone already. Destiny has a way of teetering on the unusual I think. My family has also joined together to understand that we are all very fragile and that disagreements and ill feelings are sometimes so petty that crying over a tiny sliver in your fingertip has wasted your entire day. Not anymore and not worth it at anytime. And understand we are all not perfect.
Mita has been a god send to me. My best friend who despite everything is the truest thing of love besides my closest family ones that has ever been given to me. I do not think I could not have walked upright and straight without her guidance, prayers and inspiration. She has picked me up from the floor many times waiting these past weeks for when the inevitable was to happen. We knew Karen was not going to make it the third week of this ordeal when she developed a severe infection in her leg and complications with her meds. Her life vitality had already been stripped away and when she could no longer function on her own, brain inactive we made the decision to grant her own wishes of letting her go. Where she was at that moment she always said she never wanted to be and made that very clear in her last testament. It was for her after all, not us.
My brother-in-law had a very difficult time with this, but Andrew explained the details and reality of her condition and that sometimes, it's not "about" the wants and feelings we have at the moment. Not his feelings and anxiety of losing her, but her wishes and what she wanted done. She made it very plain that she did not want to live as an invalid and that there be no resuscitation measures taken should this very thing happen. Andrew has seen all too often the after affects of people brought back or medically made to linger in an unsatisfactory condition by the wish for an individuals life especially when the decisions are made for them and it turned out to be the wrong one. Very sad.
At any rate, we are home and in need of a long rest. Andrew has two more days off and we are going to spend it together with our son with life back to normal. I tell you, sitting on the plane leaving Amsterdam I felt a new beginning of my life as an adult and thought to myself that this experience has made me more accepting and insightful. I have lost big, but I am not alone even though I feel very alone for Karen. I have many things even though this trip has cost us nearly 15000 dollars. Our savings is cleared out and as I apologized to Andrew for all of this he simply smiled and said that's why we saved the money was for times like this and do not worry about anything. We can save it again. And most of all he was sincere because I know his looks when he is disappointed or mad.
I gained a new part of my family too. I have reconciled with my very unreasonable father, but understand he loves me and wants me to be apart of his life. Having spoken to his wife at great length one evening I heard much of his side and his thoughts of things and that of why he stayed away. Many not be what I agree with, but none the less his ways and I can accept them or not. Things do not have to be agreed with to be accepted. I have a little brother, who gave me a photo of himself to remember him. It's very strange to say, "I have a little Brother." To recognise it and realise it still feels very new to me. But his photo is with everyone else I love and see it everyday now. He is a cute little boy, with blond hair playing football and of my blood. He never got to see Karen before this, nor Nina and mentioned that to me and that he is glad he got to meet me and come to visit again. I made a promise that I will and have plans to bring him with us on vacation to Disney world or Universal Studios when we take our son next year. I think he would enjoy it.
Yes, I have many things to be thankful for even though I have lost my sisters...that just hurt to say. Really, just hit me just now and feel tears want to fall. I feel okay though.Today, some shopping with my family and a nice welcome back lunch with some close friends here.
I sit at my desk still a wife, mother and daughter however, sister-less and accept that life throws terrible things at you from every angle sometimes and know I must move on.
My beautiful sister, Karen died on Dec 30Th and I still cannot phantom that she is gone. Furthermore, I cannot even begin to say how my brother-in-law and the kids are coping as I have never seen him so sad. He coined the phrase to my mum, "How am I going to live without her?" The day she died and was reduced to rubble and tears having to go home to a house that will never see my sister's form again. They have been married for 22 years and raised four children together. The youngest, Evie who is now with my mum and on extended grief leave off to Portugal. Haven for her in times like these. They have plans to do and see many things.
We are all devastated having to face another one of our women laid to rest and say goodbye so early before her time. I honestly thought that I would have her in my life longer, to always hear her voice at the end of the telephone line telling me advise, listening to my woes and talk about the day. Sharing secrets, even those that were not so good.
I feel very alone inside now. We talked nearly everyday. My morning call to her this morning was incomplete when I reached for the phone and realised that, even after a month away that she is not there anymore. But I am okay today having been through this before although at a different level.
Karen's death was natural, unexpected yes, but not taken tragically like Nina's. We were all with her as she left our kingdom to join our little sister and somehow, strangely feel somewhat comforted that she did not have to leave here alone.
Our Christmas was a wonderful one despite Karen's hospitalisation. We spent it with so many family and friends that I haven't seen in years. There were many new people there too. I was truly surrounded by the people who love me and who I love. We knew that Karen was going to die soon when we shared this day together and surprisingly there was no drama of who's who and who's what. People we respectful and allowed to celebrate it without incident.
I even made a wonderful new friend named, Rebecca. Who I had met at the mall under some very unusual circumstances, and later met her again, shared afternoon tea together and have since talked many times on the phone already. Destiny has a way of teetering on the unusual I think. My family has also joined together to understand that we are all very fragile and that disagreements and ill feelings are sometimes so petty that crying over a tiny sliver in your fingertip has wasted your entire day. Not anymore and not worth it at anytime. And understand we are all not perfect.
Mita has been a god send to me. My best friend who despite everything is the truest thing of love besides my closest family ones that has ever been given to me. I do not think I could not have walked upright and straight without her guidance, prayers and inspiration. She has picked me up from the floor many times waiting these past weeks for when the inevitable was to happen. We knew Karen was not going to make it the third week of this ordeal when she developed a severe infection in her leg and complications with her meds. Her life vitality had already been stripped away and when she could no longer function on her own, brain inactive we made the decision to grant her own wishes of letting her go. Where she was at that moment she always said she never wanted to be and made that very clear in her last testament. It was for her after all, not us.
My brother-in-law had a very difficult time with this, but Andrew explained the details and reality of her condition and that sometimes, it's not "about" the wants and feelings we have at the moment. Not his feelings and anxiety of losing her, but her wishes and what she wanted done. She made it very plain that she did not want to live as an invalid and that there be no resuscitation measures taken should this very thing happen. Andrew has seen all too often the after affects of people brought back or medically made to linger in an unsatisfactory condition by the wish for an individuals life especially when the decisions are made for them and it turned out to be the wrong one. Very sad.
At any rate, we are home and in need of a long rest. Andrew has two more days off and we are going to spend it together with our son with life back to normal. I tell you, sitting on the plane leaving Amsterdam I felt a new beginning of my life as an adult and thought to myself that this experience has made me more accepting and insightful. I have lost big, but I am not alone even though I feel very alone for Karen. I have many things even though this trip has cost us nearly 15000 dollars. Our savings is cleared out and as I apologized to Andrew for all of this he simply smiled and said that's why we saved the money was for times like this and do not worry about anything. We can save it again. And most of all he was sincere because I know his looks when he is disappointed or mad.
I gained a new part of my family too. I have reconciled with my very unreasonable father, but understand he loves me and wants me to be apart of his life. Having spoken to his wife at great length one evening I heard much of his side and his thoughts of things and that of why he stayed away. Many not be what I agree with, but none the less his ways and I can accept them or not. Things do not have to be agreed with to be accepted. I have a little brother, who gave me a photo of himself to remember him. It's very strange to say, "I have a little Brother." To recognise it and realise it still feels very new to me. But his photo is with everyone else I love and see it everyday now. He is a cute little boy, with blond hair playing football and of my blood. He never got to see Karen before this, nor Nina and mentioned that to me and that he is glad he got to meet me and come to visit again. I made a promise that I will and have plans to bring him with us on vacation to Disney world or Universal Studios when we take our son next year. I think he would enjoy it.
Yes, I have many things to be thankful for even though I have lost my sisters...that just hurt to say. Really, just hit me just now and feel tears want to fall. I feel okay though.Today, some shopping with my family and a nice welcome back lunch with some close friends here.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
