Well, as this weekend comes to a close, I have marked it in my journey as a good one because I accomplished quite a bit around the house as well as getting my work tasks completed.
Sometimes the brain works in over drive and snap everything you set out to do is accomplished. I suppose I deliberately had it in my mind that the end of this month will be difficult and really just want to focus on my family, and have decided to place positive energy into everything I do. I also made a to do list and for some reason find that if I have an actual list to cross of reather than just keeping the list in my head, I actually seem to get things done knowing I have something to cross off.
Andrew took our son to the store and purchased a cute giraffe costume and lots of decorations for the house. Somehow, miraculously he swung having next weekend off and said we are having a really good time with maybe a movie and dinner out (or the other way around) on Friday night with focus on Halloween treats for the kids till about 8:30 and off to our own Halloween party invited by one of his colleges on Halloween night. I am really looking forward to it, but haven't decided what to goes as just yet. Last year we went as cave people with both of us freezing our butts off. It was cold being half naked! So those costumes are staying in the basement. Still undecided for now and will have to discuss it with him later tonight.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
When in gloom, shop!
Today, I ventured out around town with my son in tow and spent a little money on MYSELF. Being the lazy bum that I am, with business wear lax with me; I choose to shop at my favourite store OLD NAVY and purchased lots of new stuff for really cheap. They had a huge clearance of 50 percent off their already discounted stuff and was surprised that they had quite a few jumpers, shirts and tanks all under 7.00 dollars each. Nothing was damaged and was just regular price only last month. I purchased four jumpers that were reg 39.00 and paid only 6.99 for each. A corduroy dress, black leggings, 3 blouses and four tanks to match the jumpers. I love bargains!
I have a duty this week of looking after my neighbours kid driving her to school and babysitting afterwards until her parents come home. A favour I do not do very often. But being in a bind, I said I'd help out. No worries. She's a good kid.
I have a duty this week of looking after my neighbours kid driving her to school and babysitting afterwards until her parents come home. A favour I do not do very often. But being in a bind, I said I'd help out. No worries. She's a good kid.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Gloom!
Today is not a good day. It's rather gloomy and depressing outside with no chance of taking a sunny walk or to have good thoughts.
My concsious is in over drive with memories of my sister, issues with Andrew and my mum's situation back home. She is undecided of where to go, whether to move to Pretoria or to some other vacation city...she's talking about property in Portugal of all places. She really just wants to relax in her old age. I can hardly believe where our lives have taken us. My mum is retiring!
In three days I've two manuals due and another four more to complete in the next week. Lots of work to be done. I am happy to have the work as it keeps me busy, but instructual writing is not very satisfying when you're in the mood and mind to fly into some far off fantasyland. Anyway, I am not complaining as payment is good which will help pay off our loans and work on the next vacation kitty.
Andrew is having it hard at the hospital with extra work and now sub-training first year res which he forgets he was only recently there two years before. We laughed about it yesterday and says he now understands why his instructor was so hard on him. He has two students he is looking after and very worried about one of them feeling that he is not suited for the dedication and willpower of having to train hands on now. The student has dropped out of a few exams which is not sitting well with Andrew. Graphic stuff that he really didn't want to get into. He forgets I heard all about that crap he went through when he was an ambulance responder back with HEMS but insists it's not stuff he should bring home. I can appreciate that and respect it.
Another thing I have given into with Andrew is my wanting to move back to PE. We have been at odds with it for months now and really quite tired of fighting with him about it and after hard consideration decided that it is not the best thing for my family. Andrew is right about my country's future. I never thought I would have made this kind of decision especially with loving home so much. But Andrew is right. It offers nothing but memories I'd rather forget. He satisfied me eight years ago trying to live there himself and then myself in England. Now we are in Canada where it is really nice and think we've finally come to an agreement. Thank god!
October 30Th will be Nina's twenty-fourth birthday. These past few years getting through that date has been extremely difficult because I remember the little shit coming home from hospital when I was sixteen. Karen was nineteen and I remember feeling really strange that we both as sisters were having another sibling, a BABY sister. Imagine our surprise when mum told us she even having a baby at her age. She was thirty-nine at the time. WOW... but Nina was so adorable with such a pink face we cuddled around her constantly wanting to hold her, feed her, change her, all be little mothers to her. It was so much fun getting to experience all her milestones when she was a child. I don't think mum minded much because she was tired and had to work herself. I can relate to her having a baby myself. Nina was so loved and cared for and grew into a beautiful young woman.
Karen's tearful call to me that day she was taken will be a day I will never forget. They were words that I hope I never have to repeat, but know they are for so many others when someone is killed. "Nina was killed in a car wreck this morning, Mia." she told me calmly. I know she had been crying. I asked what happened and only got that she was in a car with Erik, her boyfriend who I had just seen a picture of just a few days before. Nina had written me and sent some photos telling me about what a summer they were having. "Our baby is gone."
Our baby.
Nina was truly our little baby girl. Yes, we were all sisters but it went well beyond just having an annoying little sibling a few years younger or older than you. She was around for us to care for and nurture, to love and teach her things. Being teenager girls Karen and I bonded with our little one more than just sibling love. She was so special to us, she was our baby too. Karen was especially heartbroken having spent longer times with her later in our lives. I moved away when Nina was five, off to school, meeting Andrew. But the best time was when mum would send her to stay with us in the UK over school holidays. It was such a blast shopping, going on weekend train visits around the countryside. We visited Koln for three days and had such a wonderful time seeing all the old buildings. She was into that sort of thing. Someday wanting to be a archaeologist or museum curator.
She was seventeen the last time my eyes fell upon her, sending her back to PE on plane before fall school session was to start. I kissed her and then Andrew. "Bye, you guys! I love you!," she said waving her hand right before she entered the gates to go home. Just a girl...so many tears remembering her life and presence, what she meant to us. I have cried so much this week and suffer misery no one should have to. Angry at the person who caused the accident, Erik. But I cannot say or do anything about it becasue he is gone too. People do not survive collisions at speed of 130 kilo. The car broke apart on impact and they were killed instantly along with one other person in the other car. My mind wonders over and over again if she knew what hit her, or if she felt any pain. Did she cry out or what was in her thought at her final second. All I think about is her happy face going home six years ago and it stays with me.
People say getting past thr tragedy of lossing someone like this takes time. Even mum says it putting it past her or so she says. But I know she will have a difficult time with closing up our childhood home. Especially cleaning out Nina's room. She would have done it long ago if she had come to terms with it. I have not sspoken to her about any of this because I know what the answer will be. My mum, the strength of the family cries alone. She always has.
My concsious is in over drive with memories of my sister, issues with Andrew and my mum's situation back home. She is undecided of where to go, whether to move to Pretoria or to some other vacation city...she's talking about property in Portugal of all places. She really just wants to relax in her old age. I can hardly believe where our lives have taken us. My mum is retiring!
In three days I've two manuals due and another four more to complete in the next week. Lots of work to be done. I am happy to have the work as it keeps me busy, but instructual writing is not very satisfying when you're in the mood and mind to fly into some far off fantasyland. Anyway, I am not complaining as payment is good which will help pay off our loans and work on the next vacation kitty.
Andrew is having it hard at the hospital with extra work and now sub-training first year res which he forgets he was only recently there two years before. We laughed about it yesterday and says he now understands why his instructor was so hard on him. He has two students he is looking after and very worried about one of them feeling that he is not suited for the dedication and willpower of having to train hands on now. The student has dropped out of a few exams which is not sitting well with Andrew. Graphic stuff that he really didn't want to get into. He forgets I heard all about that crap he went through when he was an ambulance responder back with HEMS but insists it's not stuff he should bring home. I can appreciate that and respect it.
Another thing I have given into with Andrew is my wanting to move back to PE. We have been at odds with it for months now and really quite tired of fighting with him about it and after hard consideration decided that it is not the best thing for my family. Andrew is right about my country's future. I never thought I would have made this kind of decision especially with loving home so much. But Andrew is right. It offers nothing but memories I'd rather forget. He satisfied me eight years ago trying to live there himself and then myself in England. Now we are in Canada where it is really nice and think we've finally come to an agreement. Thank god!
October 30Th will be Nina's twenty-fourth birthday. These past few years getting through that date has been extremely difficult because I remember the little shit coming home from hospital when I was sixteen. Karen was nineteen and I remember feeling really strange that we both as sisters were having another sibling, a BABY sister. Imagine our surprise when mum told us she even having a baby at her age. She was thirty-nine at the time. WOW... but Nina was so adorable with such a pink face we cuddled around her constantly wanting to hold her, feed her, change her, all be little mothers to her. It was so much fun getting to experience all her milestones when she was a child. I don't think mum minded much because she was tired and had to work herself. I can relate to her having a baby myself. Nina was so loved and cared for and grew into a beautiful young woman.
Karen's tearful call to me that day she was taken will be a day I will never forget. They were words that I hope I never have to repeat, but know they are for so many others when someone is killed. "Nina was killed in a car wreck this morning, Mia." she told me calmly. I know she had been crying. I asked what happened and only got that she was in a car with Erik, her boyfriend who I had just seen a picture of just a few days before. Nina had written me and sent some photos telling me about what a summer they were having. "Our baby is gone."
Our baby.
Nina was truly our little baby girl. Yes, we were all sisters but it went well beyond just having an annoying little sibling a few years younger or older than you. She was around for us to care for and nurture, to love and teach her things. Being teenager girls Karen and I bonded with our little one more than just sibling love. She was so special to us, she was our baby too. Karen was especially heartbroken having spent longer times with her later in our lives. I moved away when Nina was five, off to school, meeting Andrew. But the best time was when mum would send her to stay with us in the UK over school holidays. It was such a blast shopping, going on weekend train visits around the countryside. We visited Koln for three days and had such a wonderful time seeing all the old buildings. She was into that sort of thing. Someday wanting to be a archaeologist or museum curator.
She was seventeen the last time my eyes fell upon her, sending her back to PE on plane before fall school session was to start. I kissed her and then Andrew. "Bye, you guys! I love you!," she said waving her hand right before she entered the gates to go home. Just a girl...so many tears remembering her life and presence, what she meant to us. I have cried so much this week and suffer misery no one should have to. Angry at the person who caused the accident, Erik. But I cannot say or do anything about it becasue he is gone too. People do not survive collisions at speed of 130 kilo. The car broke apart on impact and they were killed instantly along with one other person in the other car. My mind wonders over and over again if she knew what hit her, or if she felt any pain. Did she cry out or what was in her thought at her final second. All I think about is her happy face going home six years ago and it stays with me.
People say getting past thr tragedy of lossing someone like this takes time. Even mum says it putting it past her or so she says. But I know she will have a difficult time with closing up our childhood home. Especially cleaning out Nina's room. She would have done it long ago if she had come to terms with it. I have not sspoken to her about any of this because I know what the answer will be. My mum, the strength of the family cries alone. She always has.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Sisters and random thoughts
Today was a day where I had to take a moment to reflex on a few memories I have for my sister, Nina.
I received an unexpected call from my mum today asking me how I was doing and that she had some things she wanted to talk about. She said she is retiring, has decided to downsize her home and wanted to know if I wanted some of my sister's things.
Objects.
Just items I think that are pretty useless if you ask me. But they seem to be important enough for Mum to pass them on. I cannot tell how much this pained me to hear her ask this of me. A very blue day has arrived breaking down my door where I now have to face a reality I never wanted to believe.
Nina is dead. Gone 5 years now and for everyday she lays in her grave, I have neglected to think about this fact and always put it aside reminding myself she was just away, staying in some far off distance place where she never had a chance to contacted me and was doing just fine. Simply a stupid fantasy that's easier to believe than facing reality. I'm such a nerd!
Andrew came home early, to which I thanked him with saying he felt something was wrong and just needed to be home. I am so glad he did. He looked after our son and allowed me time to myself to which I cried in my room for quite a few hours cleansing the soul for the next coming 5 years I feel her absence from our lives.
Nina was 18, a student, beautiful and our youngest sibling. The biggest sweetheart of a little sister who wrote me letters every month in large rounded girly alphabet letters that took up twice as many pages. She and her boyfriend, Erik were on their way to the St. Francis beach to sail with his Dad and never made it. Both of them gone in an instant.
It had never occurred to me how much it hurt my mum surviving this kind of loss until I had my own son and the feeling she must have felt crushed me into pieces. I asked her today how she lived through it and she said it wasn't easy but knew that Nina would never want us to fall apart just because she died and at times when she felt the world closing in on her she put those thoughts down knowing she had her other children to live for. "It's easy to give up you know," she said to me. "Easy to lie down and let the world walk all over you and cry over things we have no control over. I miss her, darling but I am not the one who die and neither did you." I suppose she was trying to tell me to snap out of it because I was really crying. Then I remember her being the driving force of telling us to stand for what we believe in and fight for those we love. She grew up in Apartheid worse than we did and said she was ashamed to admit that she too hid behind her feelings of love for her "true mother".
Mother grew up a farmer's daughter who was reasonably well to do because he had workers, one being my mother's nanny. I can't recall her name but she was an old Zulu and single and looked after my maternal relatives back then and mum always said she felt her love in her cooking, rearing and mothering. "It was she who kissed the boo boos, kissed us good night after story time, checked for monsters under the bunks and was there to spank us when we were bad," she told me." My grandmother apparently spent way to much time at church functions and entertaining to bother with her kids and it was her nanny that looked after mum. I guess that was just the way it was back then.
But her stories about this old woman made us realize as a family that our county's adoption of this horrible belief back then made my mother seriously rebelle. She was a renegade when she was young and probably got into worse fights than me, but it's her woeds and strong perseverance that gets me through life and for her, that one day... even after she is long gone it is her wish that we will all be allowed to be the same and not have to cower under such thoughts that one race is more superior than the other.
And her feeling toward my dad who said on that fateful day she left him, that he was disappointed he had no son's? Oh lord, I thought she was going to kill him. I do not like my father, although do love him and see him once in a while. I know he loves me and Karen, but we are a disappointment to him being daughters, perhaps too outspoken and too much trouble for his liking. He is not as strong as my mother nor as accepting.
He's moved on, married and finally got his son, who I have never met. Very sad!
After much thought, I declined my mother's offer to send some of Nina's things. She has never cleaned out my sister's room and must be hard to fianlly have to face this after 5 years. Karen will go over and help her out. I am glad she is still there for my mum, who is so far away, but not as far away as Nina.
I received an unexpected call from my mum today asking me how I was doing and that she had some things she wanted to talk about. She said she is retiring, has decided to downsize her home and wanted to know if I wanted some of my sister's things.
Objects.
Just items I think that are pretty useless if you ask me. But they seem to be important enough for Mum to pass them on. I cannot tell how much this pained me to hear her ask this of me. A very blue day has arrived breaking down my door where I now have to face a reality I never wanted to believe.
Nina is dead. Gone 5 years now and for everyday she lays in her grave, I have neglected to think about this fact and always put it aside reminding myself she was just away, staying in some far off distance place where she never had a chance to contacted me and was doing just fine. Simply a stupid fantasy that's easier to believe than facing reality. I'm such a nerd!
Andrew came home early, to which I thanked him with saying he felt something was wrong and just needed to be home. I am so glad he did. He looked after our son and allowed me time to myself to which I cried in my room for quite a few hours cleansing the soul for the next coming 5 years I feel her absence from our lives.
Nina was 18, a student, beautiful and our youngest sibling. The biggest sweetheart of a little sister who wrote me letters every month in large rounded girly alphabet letters that took up twice as many pages. She and her boyfriend, Erik were on their way to the St. Francis beach to sail with his Dad and never made it. Both of them gone in an instant.
It had never occurred to me how much it hurt my mum surviving this kind of loss until I had my own son and the feeling she must have felt crushed me into pieces. I asked her today how she lived through it and she said it wasn't easy but knew that Nina would never want us to fall apart just because she died and at times when she felt the world closing in on her she put those thoughts down knowing she had her other children to live for. "It's easy to give up you know," she said to me. "Easy to lie down and let the world walk all over you and cry over things we have no control over. I miss her, darling but I am not the one who die and neither did you." I suppose she was trying to tell me to snap out of it because I was really crying. Then I remember her being the driving force of telling us to stand for what we believe in and fight for those we love. She grew up in Apartheid worse than we did and said she was ashamed to admit that she too hid behind her feelings of love for her "true mother".
Mother grew up a farmer's daughter who was reasonably well to do because he had workers, one being my mother's nanny. I can't recall her name but she was an old Zulu and single and looked after my maternal relatives back then and mum always said she felt her love in her cooking, rearing and mothering. "It was she who kissed the boo boos, kissed us good night after story time, checked for monsters under the bunks and was there to spank us when we were bad," she told me." My grandmother apparently spent way to much time at church functions and entertaining to bother with her kids and it was her nanny that looked after mum. I guess that was just the way it was back then.
But her stories about this old woman made us realize as a family that our county's adoption of this horrible belief back then made my mother seriously rebelle. She was a renegade when she was young and probably got into worse fights than me, but it's her woeds and strong perseverance that gets me through life and for her, that one day... even after she is long gone it is her wish that we will all be allowed to be the same and not have to cower under such thoughts that one race is more superior than the other.
And her feeling toward my dad who said on that fateful day she left him, that he was disappointed he had no son's? Oh lord, I thought she was going to kill him. I do not like my father, although do love him and see him once in a while. I know he loves me and Karen, but we are a disappointment to him being daughters, perhaps too outspoken and too much trouble for his liking. He is not as strong as my mother nor as accepting.
He's moved on, married and finally got his son, who I have never met. Very sad!
After much thought, I declined my mother's offer to send some of Nina's things. She has never cleaned out my sister's room and must be hard to fianlly have to face this after 5 years. Karen will go over and help her out. I am glad she is still there for my mum, who is so far away, but not as far away as Nina.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I should have never started this!
October 15 th 2009
I promised myself I would never start a blog. Reason being? Too much time away from my family and it's a huge distraction from writing. But I really am happy to report that the demand for the articles have slowed down a bit (which I never really liked doing them in the first place) and now working on what I actually went to school for, technical writing because it's direct and to the point. And of course there is my writing. After seeing so many people writing these blogs I now understand why they do it. So today I have decided that while I am at home, time is abundant and I find that little voice of boredom becoming more and more prevalent, here I sit creating a blog for myself.
I suppose in a way it is sort of a self therapy session if you will, that no one is likely to read except for me, like a personal diary. Good in a way, that I can reflex on things that may bother me or want to express personally without my family knowing unless they type in my blogs address. With my family far off in South Africa and clueless to my interests anyway, here is as good as it gets for me to talk to myself .
Time with my family...meaning my husband is very little and really hope that the next year goes by fast. I can hardly believe we have been in Canada for three years already and really beginning to like it here more and more. But not this city.
Yesterday, I spoke to my sister who resides with her family in Pretoria said things are not going very good in South Africa and that crime and murder is up. Government practices are very dishonest. As if it were ever honest there or anywhere for that matter. I am upset of course and do miss being home, but often wonder if it is worth returning there. Andrew says that he misses the UK also and has mentioned wanting to return there for a while.
What a family mix. A UK for husband, SA for a mother and a Canadian baby...a league of nations all under one roof. But the decisions of where to return after Andrew's residency has become a constant argument for us with him believing that Lancashire would be an ideal place to raise a family. England is nice and we lived there for a few years, but I missed the Sun the entire time we lived there. Just like it is here in Canada, always snowing and freezing in this horrid city! It's already starting...but I love the country and we do get some sun in the summer.
I'm really not happy about returning to Andrew's birth country and often wonder why the HELL I married him in the first place. Men... always looking at you in a way that makes you fall in love with them and believing that you need them in an everlasting relationship that eventually turns into a routine module of same everyday things. Late night walk ins expecting gratification after a hard day and then off to bed without even asking how your day was? Not even an 'I love you' or to watch TV together for an hour. Just work for 85 hours a week with a promise that it is for the better good for our future. "Hold on for just a few years more," he says. We held our family off until now, but with me not getting any younger it was time. He is a good father and provider but constantly away. His only saving grace is his jovial attitude and smile which makes me melt in his arms when he offers me a kiss and a hug as he holds me close to settle me down.
IS THIS LIFE REALLY WORTH THE WAIT? Are all the things we do for people we love offering us the balance and fortune we all seek for a better life? Andrew seems to think that creating our life of what he wants more than anything is to be a doctor while including me and our son is what's best. I understand his reasons and admire his efforts because he has worked very hard to get here, but sometimes the sacrifice is too great to try to understand and accept anymore. Who's dream is this anyway?
I promised myself I would never start a blog. Reason being? Too much time away from my family and it's a huge distraction from writing. But I really am happy to report that the demand for the articles have slowed down a bit (which I never really liked doing them in the first place) and now working on what I actually went to school for, technical writing because it's direct and to the point. And of course there is my writing. After seeing so many people writing these blogs I now understand why they do it. So today I have decided that while I am at home, time is abundant and I find that little voice of boredom becoming more and more prevalent, here I sit creating a blog for myself.
I suppose in a way it is sort of a self therapy session if you will, that no one is likely to read except for me, like a personal diary. Good in a way, that I can reflex on things that may bother me or want to express personally without my family knowing unless they type in my blogs address. With my family far off in South Africa and clueless to my interests anyway, here is as good as it gets for me to talk to myself .
Time with my family...meaning my husband is very little and really hope that the next year goes by fast. I can hardly believe we have been in Canada for three years already and really beginning to like it here more and more. But not this city.
Yesterday, I spoke to my sister who resides with her family in Pretoria said things are not going very good in South Africa and that crime and murder is up. Government practices are very dishonest. As if it were ever honest there or anywhere for that matter. I am upset of course and do miss being home, but often wonder if it is worth returning there. Andrew says that he misses the UK also and has mentioned wanting to return there for a while.
What a family mix. A UK for husband, SA for a mother and a Canadian baby...a league of nations all under one roof. But the decisions of where to return after Andrew's residency has become a constant argument for us with him believing that Lancashire would be an ideal place to raise a family. England is nice and we lived there for a few years, but I missed the Sun the entire time we lived there. Just like it is here in Canada, always snowing and freezing in this horrid city! It's already starting...but I love the country and we do get some sun in the summer.
I'm really not happy about returning to Andrew's birth country and often wonder why the HELL I married him in the first place. Men... always looking at you in a way that makes you fall in love with them and believing that you need them in an everlasting relationship that eventually turns into a routine module of same everyday things. Late night walk ins expecting gratification after a hard day and then off to bed without even asking how your day was? Not even an 'I love you' or to watch TV together for an hour. Just work for 85 hours a week with a promise that it is for the better good for our future. "Hold on for just a few years more," he says. We held our family off until now, but with me not getting any younger it was time. He is a good father and provider but constantly away. His only saving grace is his jovial attitude and smile which makes me melt in his arms when he offers me a kiss and a hug as he holds me close to settle me down.
IS THIS LIFE REALLY WORTH THE WAIT? Are all the things we do for people we love offering us the balance and fortune we all seek for a better life? Andrew seems to think that creating our life of what he wants more than anything is to be a doctor while including me and our son is what's best. I understand his reasons and admire his efforts because he has worked very hard to get here, but sometimes the sacrifice is too great to try to understand and accept anymore. Who's dream is this anyway?
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