I should have never started this!

October 15 th 2009





I promised myself I would never start a blog. Reason being? Too much time away from my family and it's a huge distraction from writing. But I really am happy to report that the demand for the articles have slowed down a bit (which I never really liked doing them in the first place) and now working on what I actually went to school for, technical writing because it's direct and to the point. And of course there is my writing. After seeing so many people writing these blogs I now understand why they do it. So today I have decided that while I am at home, time is abundant and I find that little voice of boredom becoming more and more prevalent, here I sit creating a blog for myself.



I suppose in a way it is sort of a self therapy session if you will, that no one is likely to read except for me, like a personal diary. Good in a way, that I can reflex on things that may bother me or want to express personally without my family knowing unless they type in my blogs address. With my family far off in South Africa and clueless to my interests anyway, here is as good as it gets for me to talk to myself .



Time with my family...meaning my husband is very little and really hope that the next year goes by fast. I can hardly believe we have been in Canada for three years already and really beginning to like it here more and more. But not this city.



Yesterday, I spoke to my sister who resides with her family in Pretoria said things are not going very good in South Africa and that crime and murder is up. Government practices are very dishonest. As if it were ever honest there or anywhere for that matter. I am upset of course and do miss being home, but often wonder if it is worth returning there. Andrew says that he misses the UK also and has mentioned wanting to return there for a while.



What a family mix. A UK for husband, SA for a mother and a Canadian baby...a league of nations all under one roof. But the decisions of where to return after Andrew's residency has become a constant argument for us with him believing that Lancashire would be an ideal place to raise a family. England is nice and we lived there for a few years, but I missed the Sun the entire time we lived there. Just like it is here in Canada, always snowing and freezing in this horrid city! It's already starting...but I love the country and we do get some sun in the summer.



I'm really not happy about returning to Andrew's birth country and often wonder why the HELL I married him in the first place. Men... always looking at you in a way that makes you fall in love with them and believing that you need them in an everlasting relationship that eventually turns into a routine module of same everyday things. Late night walk ins expecting gratification after a hard day and then off to bed without even asking how your day was? Not even an 'I love you' or to watch TV together for an hour. Just work for 85 hours a week with a promise that it is for the better good for our future. "Hold on for just a few years more," he says. We held our family off until now, but with me not getting any younger it was time. He is a good father and provider but constantly away. His only saving grace is his jovial attitude and smile which makes me melt in his arms when he offers me a kiss and a hug as he holds me close to settle me down.



IS THIS LIFE REALLY WORTH THE WAIT? Are all the things we do for people we love offering us the balance and fortune we all seek for a better life? Andrew seems to think that creating our life of what he wants more than anything is to be a doctor while including me and our son is what's best. I understand his reasons and admire his efforts because he has worked very hard to get here, but sometimes the sacrifice is too great to try to understand and accept anymore. Who's dream is this anyway?