Gloom!

Today is not a good day. It's rather gloomy and depressing outside with no chance of taking a sunny walk or to have good thoughts.

My concsious is in over drive with memories of my sister, issues with Andrew and my mum's situation back home. She is undecided of where to go, whether to move to Pretoria or to some other vacation city...she's talking about property in Portugal of all places. She really just wants to relax in her old age. I can hardly believe where our lives have taken us. My mum is retiring!

In three days I've two manuals due and another four more to complete in the next week. Lots of work to be done. I am happy to have the work as it keeps me busy, but instructual writing is not very satisfying when you're in the mood and mind to fly into some far off fantasyland. Anyway, I am not complaining as payment is good which will help pay off our loans and work on the next vacation kitty.

Andrew is having it hard at the hospital with extra work and now sub-training first year res which he forgets he was only recently there two years before. We laughed about it yesterday and says he now understands why his instructor was so hard on him. He has two students he is looking after and very worried about one of them feeling that he is not suited for the dedication and willpower of having to train hands on now. The student has dropped out of a few exams which is not sitting well with Andrew. Graphic stuff that he really didn't want to get into. He forgets I heard all about that crap he went through when he was an ambulance responder back with HEMS but insists it's not stuff he should bring home. I can appreciate that and respect it.

Another thing I have given into with Andrew is my wanting to move back to PE. We have been at odds with it for months now and really quite tired of fighting with him about it and after hard consideration decided that it is not the best thing for my family. Andrew is right about my country's future. I never thought I would have made this kind of decision especially with loving home so much. But Andrew is right. It offers nothing but memories I'd rather forget. He satisfied me eight years ago trying to live there himself and then myself in England. Now we are in Canada where it is really nice and think we've finally come to an agreement. Thank god!

October 30Th will be Nina's twenty-fourth birthday. These past few years getting through that date has been extremely difficult because I remember the little shit coming home from hospital when I was sixteen. Karen was nineteen and I remember feeling really strange that we both as sisters were having another sibling, a BABY sister. Imagine our surprise when mum told us she even having a baby at her age. She was thirty-nine at the time. WOW... but Nina was so adorable with such a pink face we cuddled around her constantly wanting to hold her, feed her, change her, all be little mothers to her. It was so much fun getting to experience all her milestones when she was a child. I don't think mum minded much because she was tired and had to work herself. I can relate to her having a baby myself. Nina was so loved and cared for and grew into a beautiful young woman.

Karen's tearful call to me that day she was taken will be a day I will never forget. They were words that I hope I never have to repeat, but know they are for so many others when someone is killed. "Nina was killed in a car wreck this morning, Mia." she told me calmly. I know she had been crying. I asked what happened and only got that she was in a car with Erik, her boyfriend who I had just seen a picture of just a few days before. Nina had written me and sent some photos telling me about what a summer they were having. "Our baby is gone."

Our baby.

Nina was truly our little baby girl. Yes, we were all sisters but it went well beyond just having an annoying little sibling a few years younger or older than you. She was around for us to care for and nurture, to love and teach her things. Being teenager girls Karen and I bonded with our little one more than just sibling love. She was so special to us, she was our baby too. Karen was especially heartbroken having spent longer times with her later in our lives. I moved away when Nina was five, off to school, meeting Andrew. But the best time was when mum would send her to stay with us in the UK over school holidays. It was such a blast shopping, going on weekend train visits around the countryside. We visited Koln for three days and had such a wonderful time seeing all the old buildings. She was into that sort of thing. Someday wanting to be a archaeologist or museum curator.

She was seventeen the last time my eyes fell upon her, sending her back to PE on plane before fall school session was to start. I kissed her and then Andrew. "Bye, you guys! I love you!," she said waving her hand right before she entered the gates to go home. Just a girl...so many tears remembering her life and presence, what she meant to us. I have cried so much this week and suffer misery no one should have to. Angry at the person who caused the accident, Erik. But I cannot say or do anything about it becasue he is gone too. People do not survive collisions at speed of 130 kilo. The car broke apart on impact and they were killed instantly along with one other person in the other car. My mind wonders over and over again if she knew what hit her, or if she felt any pain. Did she cry out or what was in her thought at her final second. All I think about is her happy face going home six years ago and it stays with me.

People say getting past thr tragedy of lossing someone like this takes time. Even mum says it putting it past her or so she says. But I know she will have a difficult time with closing up our childhood home. Especially cleaning out Nina's room. She would have done it long ago if she had come to terms with it. I have not sspoken to her about any of this because I know what the answer will be. My mum, the strength of the family cries alone. She always has.