Home at last

Yesterday was the first day where I had gotten out of bed without thinking about the past months affairs that have changed my life forever.

I sit at my desk still a wife, mother and daughter however, sister-less and accept that life throws terrible things at you from every angle sometimes and know I must move on.

My beautiful sister, Karen died on Dec 30Th and I still cannot phantom that she is gone. Furthermore, I cannot even begin to say how my brother-in-law and the kids are coping as I have never seen him so sad. He coined the phrase to my mum, "How am I going to live without her?" The day she died and was reduced to rubble and tears having to go home to a house that will never see my sister's form again. They have been married for 22 years and raised four children together. The youngest, Evie who is now with my mum and on extended grief leave off to Portugal. Haven for her in times like these. They have plans to do and see many things.

We are all devastated having to face another one of our women laid to rest and say goodbye so early before her time. I honestly thought that I would have her in my life longer, to always hear her voice at the end of the telephone line telling me advise, listening to my woes and talk about the day. Sharing secrets, even those that were not so good.

I feel very alone inside now. We talked nearly everyday. My morning call to her this morning was incomplete when I reached for the phone and realised that, even after a month away that she is not there anymore. But I am okay today having been through this before although at a different level.

Karen's death was natural, unexpected yes, but not taken tragically like Nina's. We were all with her as she left our kingdom to join our little sister and somehow, strangely feel somewhat comforted that she did not have to leave here alone.

Our Christmas was a wonderful one despite Karen's hospitalisation. We spent it with so many family and friends that I haven't seen in years. There were many new people there too. I was truly surrounded by the people who love me and who I love. We knew that Karen was going to die soon when we shared this day together and surprisingly there was no drama of who's who and who's what. People we respectful and allowed to celebrate it without incident.

I even made a wonderful new friend named, Rebecca. Who I had met at the mall under some very unusual circumstances, and later met her again, shared afternoon tea together and have since talked many times on the phone already. Destiny has a way of teetering on the unusual I think. My family has also joined together to understand that we are all very fragile and that disagreements and ill feelings are sometimes so petty that crying over a tiny sliver in your fingertip has wasted your entire day. Not anymore and not worth it at anytime. And understand we are all not perfect.

Mita has been a god send to me. My best friend who despite everything is the truest thing of love besides my closest family ones that has ever been given to me. I do not think I could not have walked upright and straight without her guidance, prayers and inspiration. She has picked me up from the floor many times waiting these past weeks for when the inevitable was to happen. We knew Karen was not going to make it the third week of this ordeal when she developed a severe infection in her leg and complications with her meds. Her life vitality had already been stripped away and when she could no longer function on her own, brain inactive we made the decision to grant her own wishes of letting her go. Where she was at that moment she always said she never wanted to be and made that very clear in her last testament. It was for her after all, not us.

My brother-in-law had a very difficult time with this, but Andrew explained the details and reality of her condition and that sometimes, it's not "about" the wants and feelings we have at the moment. Not his feelings and anxiety of losing her, but her wishes and what she wanted done. She made it very plain that she did not want to live as an invalid and that there be no resuscitation measures taken should this very thing happen. Andrew has seen all too often the after affects of people brought back or medically made to linger in an unsatisfactory condition by the wish for an individuals life especially when the decisions are made for them and it turned out to be the wrong one. Very sad.

At any rate, we are home and in need of a long rest. Andrew has two more days off and we are going to spend it together with our son with life back to normal. I tell you, sitting on the plane leaving Amsterdam I felt a new beginning of my life as an adult and thought to myself that this experience has made me more accepting and insightful. I have lost big, but I am not alone even though I feel very alone for Karen. I have many things even though this trip has cost us nearly 15000 dollars. Our savings is cleared out and as I apologized to Andrew for all of this he simply smiled and said that's why we saved the money was for times like this and do not worry about anything. We can save it again. And most of all he was sincere because I know his looks when he is disappointed or mad.

I gained a new part of my family too. I have reconciled with my very unreasonable father, but understand he loves me and wants me to be apart of his life. Having spoken to his wife at great length one evening I heard much of his side and his thoughts of things and that of why he stayed away. Many not be what I agree with, but none the less his ways and I can accept them or not. Things do not have to be agreed with to be accepted. I have a little brother, who gave me a photo of himself to remember him. It's very strange to say, "I have a little Brother." To recognise it and realise it still feels very new to me. But his photo is with everyone else I love and see it everyday now. He is a cute little boy, with blond hair playing football and of my blood. He never got to see Karen before this, nor Nina and mentioned that to me and that he is glad he got to meet me and come to visit again. I made a promise that I will and have plans to bring him with us on vacation to Disney world or Universal Studios when we take our son next year. I think he would enjoy it.

Yes, I have many things to be thankful for even though I have lost my sisters...that just hurt to say. Really, just hit me just now and feel tears want to fall. I feel okay though.Today, some shopping with my family and a nice welcome back lunch with some close friends here.