In the wake of Friday's earthquake and tsunami that devistated Japan's eastern coast, many of us have been glued to our television sets in anticipation of Fukushima Nuclear reactor and the threat a possible of a melt down, and are in fear of what impact this will have on us on glabal scale. However, many more are living in fear of the simple basics of when their next meal will come, warmth, more importantly, where their loved ones are that have been missing since this tragic event STRUCK them, loss of their homes and very belongings that many of us take for granted. Thousands are with out the basic nessessities of life and are in need of our help now.
Please if anyone reads this post, please give to any agency that can help Japan even if its just a little bit. Many are giving on a huge scale, offering their own knowledge and experrise to help those in need personally and risking their lives!
Please help ìf you can!
Thank you
http://www.redcross.ca/
http://www.redcross.fi/en_GB/
http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/
http://www.redcross.org.uk/Donate-Now/Make-a-single-donation/Japan-Tsunami-Appeal
....Japan.... has publically sanctioned this link.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The battle begins
10 Mar 2011
And so it begins...
Every since I accepted the terms and agreement of my publishing contract I knew that there would be expected changes in my manuscript. I am okay with that, however as anyone who has written a book, music or play...knows that these writings are apart of you and in a way, like your family and taking the bite when someone criticizes or expresses distaste over your material is hard and quite the challenge. Having said that, I am in a dilemma of what to do about the resent changes my publisher and editor have requested. This story is slowly becoming someone else's story and I do not like it. As a first time author in the book writing business I do not want to seem difficult to work with and was warned by my agent not make waves because I am at threat of the losing my advance and having the contract terminated if I do. On the other hand, knowing published writers who have a very successful career in this business tell me it;s not about first timers or oldies, it's about dollars and cents and if you have good enough material they are not going to cut you off that easily.
The rewrite requests were the reason for my extension and I was given adequate time to work on them. The contract was amended by them after all and the advance pretty good. Warning to all first time writers, do not spend your money too soon. LOL You never know if you are going to have give it back. Terms can be stiff and you must be sure that you can adhere to these terms which makes it a bit stressful considering an advance is paid to keep you going while you write your story. At any rate, I had a wonderful time writing it during this past year and more so now that I am here in Canada with quite a bit of time to spare. It will soon be short lived as I have already made the decision to remain here and Andrew and our son will be returning mid April. His contract ends March 31 and my mum is watching my boy after school and during Andrew's hours at the hospital. But soon she and Hammy will be returning to Porto in June themselves. Our family are wanderers it seems and have confirmed that the time in our life to make the final decision for whats best for ourselves has come. I have rejected the offer today and pulled the sign down. And I feel great!
My copyright act is valid everywhere in the free world , so it doesn't matter where I am. Andrew seemed excited when I spoke to him this morning and did not give any hesitation in the decision making. "I knew it!", he shouted over the phone. LOL
Tomorrow, I go to storage and see what can be pulled to add to the house. I am not sure if I am going home to finalize the close up of our belongings there and be away from my immediate family for the month or return home. It is only an month and a cost saved if I can help it. Thank you, Mum for my flight wallet! It is very lonely here in this house and the nights long when you have no one to talk to. But there is lots to do and more time to waste and cannot wait for my boys to return home. Saying good bye to South Africa is hard because there was a peace to returning last year, but I have calmed my desire to find the balance I was looking for and it begins and ends right here.
Here we go again!
And so it begins...
Every since I accepted the terms and agreement of my publishing contract I knew that there would be expected changes in my manuscript. I am okay with that, however as anyone who has written a book, music or play...knows that these writings are apart of you and in a way, like your family and taking the bite when someone criticizes or expresses distaste over your material is hard and quite the challenge. Having said that, I am in a dilemma of what to do about the resent changes my publisher and editor have requested. This story is slowly becoming someone else's story and I do not like it. As a first time author in the book writing business I do not want to seem difficult to work with and was warned by my agent not make waves because I am at threat of the losing my advance and having the contract terminated if I do. On the other hand, knowing published writers who have a very successful career in this business tell me it;s not about first timers or oldies, it's about dollars and cents and if you have good enough material they are not going to cut you off that easily.
The rewrite requests were the reason for my extension and I was given adequate time to work on them. The contract was amended by them after all and the advance pretty good. Warning to all first time writers, do not spend your money too soon. LOL You never know if you are going to have give it back. Terms can be stiff and you must be sure that you can adhere to these terms which makes it a bit stressful considering an advance is paid to keep you going while you write your story. At any rate, I had a wonderful time writing it during this past year and more so now that I am here in Canada with quite a bit of time to spare. It will soon be short lived as I have already made the decision to remain here and Andrew and our son will be returning mid April. His contract ends March 31 and my mum is watching my boy after school and during Andrew's hours at the hospital. But soon she and Hammy will be returning to Porto in June themselves. Our family are wanderers it seems and have confirmed that the time in our life to make the final decision for whats best for ourselves has come. I have rejected the offer today and pulled the sign down. And I feel great!
My copyright act is valid everywhere in the free world , so it doesn't matter where I am. Andrew seemed excited when I spoke to him this morning and did not give any hesitation in the decision making. "I knew it!", he shouted over the phone. LOL
Tomorrow, I go to storage and see what can be pulled to add to the house. I am not sure if I am going home to finalize the close up of our belongings there and be away from my immediate family for the month or return home. It is only an month and a cost saved if I can help it. Thank you, Mum for my flight wallet! It is very lonely here in this house and the nights long when you have no one to talk to. But there is lots to do and more time to waste and cannot wait for my boys to return home. Saying good bye to South Africa is hard because there was a peace to returning last year, but I have calmed my desire to find the balance I was looking for and it begins and ends right here.
Here we go again!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Writing
It has been nearly a year since I last blogged and much has happened. I have much to reveal for whoever reads this crap, no one. But for myself it is a personal way to express an electric journal that as of now, have lots of time to fill.
We moved to South Africa after much debate to be close to my mum , Evie and yes, Hammy who is now married to Mum again. Tricky man, laying it on the table last year during our visit to Rabat, which was totally awesome and wonderful, refreshing, you name it. I always feel so renewed when I return for there. Perhaps the love I receive from Jadda and her hugs make me feel warm. I always receive a new scarf and bag full of goodies she has made in anticipation for our arrival. It's so beautiful there and will treasure the many memories there. Anyway, it is a good thing for now being back in SA. Joburg, no not really, but it was the only place Andrew could get a residency and obligated for 1 year. I am also close to Mita and my sisters who are no longer but can still hear them when I listen to the air. I understand now why people feel the need to be close to where a loved one has died. There is peace here, aside from violence and such. Andrew has mentioned yesterday that he hasn't seen this many stabbings, beating, shootings, etc since he was working for the Air ambulance in Liverpool. We had become complacent while in Canada. But the choice to move back to the UK fell through when his mother passed away and now put on hold. These decisions are difficult to make especially of where you are from, the roots of our mothers and where you like it best or the safest. I know Mum and everyone here will be safe, but my concern for my son is keeping me up at night. He does not understand the atmosphere of prejudice here and has already asked me why people hate each other and exposed to possible perils. Sad to think that after all these years I am now faced with it again but to a lesser degree. There is more tolerance, but more violence as well.
Happiness comes at a price, but we all prevail in the end somehow. Even in death. This was for a year and it is coming to a close soon, thankfully. UK is closer anyways and we know many people there. At least with writing, I can do that anywhere as long as I have an Internet connection and laptop.
The story is going good, but shelved until 2012 for rewrites and CREATIVE differences I am having a hard time adjusting to like the complete omission of an essential character! I was also asked to remove my posts regarding the content, ideas or segments whatever for...or as my editor put it, confidentiality. Issues with plagiarism there at the publisher. Not with me, but all represented authors were asked to keep contracted material and story plans quiet which disturbs me.
Soon. Soon, the dream will be real.
We moved to South Africa after much debate to be close to my mum , Evie and yes, Hammy who is now married to Mum again. Tricky man, laying it on the table last year during our visit to Rabat, which was totally awesome and wonderful, refreshing, you name it. I always feel so renewed when I return for there. Perhaps the love I receive from Jadda and her hugs make me feel warm. I always receive a new scarf and bag full of goodies she has made in anticipation for our arrival. It's so beautiful there and will treasure the many memories there. Anyway, it is a good thing for now being back in SA. Joburg, no not really, but it was the only place Andrew could get a residency and obligated for 1 year. I am also close to Mita and my sisters who are no longer but can still hear them when I listen to the air. I understand now why people feel the need to be close to where a loved one has died. There is peace here, aside from violence and such. Andrew has mentioned yesterday that he hasn't seen this many stabbings, beating, shootings, etc since he was working for the Air ambulance in Liverpool. We had become complacent while in Canada. But the choice to move back to the UK fell through when his mother passed away and now put on hold. These decisions are difficult to make especially of where you are from, the roots of our mothers and where you like it best or the safest. I know Mum and everyone here will be safe, but my concern for my son is keeping me up at night. He does not understand the atmosphere of prejudice here and has already asked me why people hate each other and exposed to possible perils. Sad to think that after all these years I am now faced with it again but to a lesser degree. There is more tolerance, but more violence as well.
Happiness comes at a price, but we all prevail in the end somehow. Even in death. This was for a year and it is coming to a close soon, thankfully. UK is closer anyways and we know many people there. At least with writing, I can do that anywhere as long as I have an Internet connection and laptop.
The story is going good, but shelved until 2012 for rewrites and CREATIVE differences I am having a hard time adjusting to like the complete omission of an essential character! I was also asked to remove my posts regarding the content, ideas or segments whatever for...or as my editor put it, confidentiality. Issues with plagiarism there at the publisher. Not with me, but all represented authors were asked to keep contracted material and story plans quiet which disturbs me.
Soon. Soon, the dream will be real.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Back to 9 to 5
Wow! Today was my first day back to work at a regular 40 hour a week job since 2006 and it feels GREAT! I can't say that I didn't love being at home with my son and working free lance but the time away from everyday works of household stuff and having personal space really is important to make room for breathing air.
I had elected to contact my former boss here and asked if they were hiring in the writing department at the paper and he said they were not, however did have some contacts that were looking and the process basically fell into place. I needed a job, and the place I was hired at needed someone quick.
It's getting better and things are looking up with the moving. International moving is a pain in the ass. I swear I have 3 sets of tea towels now. One set in England, another in South Africa and last one. here in Canada. Andrew and I elected to keep our stuff in storage again! JUST IN CASE.
Yeah, moving sucks big holes.
>
I had elected to contact my former boss here and asked if they were hiring in the writing department at the paper and he said they were not, however did have some contacts that were looking and the process basically fell into place. I needed a job, and the place I was hired at needed someone quick.
It's getting better and things are looking up with the moving. International moving is a pain in the ass. I swear I have 3 sets of tea towels now. One set in England, another in South Africa and last one. here in Canada. Andrew and I elected to keep our stuff in storage again! JUST IN CASE.
Yeah, moving sucks big holes.
>
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Bored...
Life without writing is boring! Every since I returned home from ZA in January my creative life has been at a stand still. Nothing, empty, zip, gone...no ideas come to mind and I am really beginning to wonder if I have lost my senses.
Last week Andrew and I decided that moving back home was not in our best interest and made the ultimate decision to stay where we are. No move and we are not selling our house. I asked him if he really wanted to go or was is for me that he took the entry position in Johannesburg and of course he said it was for me that we would move. I sat and thought about this all night. Wandering the house on foot in the dark shadows of the street lamps illuminating through my windows. I live in a peaceful part of of the city and it was truly dead outside with not a stir from a taxi cab door or even a cat waltzing down the street. Not even a howl in the distance from a old dog wanting in his warm house. I thought of the peace this neighborhood has given me, the people and the hospital Andrew works at and have come to realize that home is truly where you are happiest.
I thought in delusion that returning home would be wonderful...but death, frustration and my country's twirl in things have made me feel a bit lost in that I no longer want it anymore. Confusion did set in for a while but when Andrew told me the news at Gatwick I was really happy. But I now know it was a just a temporary feeling mostly of the things I thought I wanted.
Well, I got what I really wanted after all and it is best served right here in Canada with my sometimes irrational husband, cranky kid and creepy new neighbour who really turned out to pretty nice after all. I have life and truly understand how precious it is having survived breast cancer and having the opportunity to share my life with two wonderful sisters who will forever be in my heart. I feel them in my soul when I think of them as if their spirits travelled across a plane just long enough to tell me they love me. I can feel them near and see their smiles clear as day but miss them both painfully too much. There is nothing I can do about this, and will have to let time heal and keep the fire burning with hope and comfort in a new generation with our children.
Evie is doing nicely living with Mum in Porto and they are having a great time there staying in a nice flat she purchased. Mum, in her retirement has found renewed life being a responsible grandmother to her only granddaughter and as Brian has seemed to GET OVER my sister a little too fast for our taste, Evie has not adjusted to his new relationship, via girlfriend and demanded that she she be allowed to move in with my Mum. Well, Brian trying to keep the peace said yes and Evie is in Portugal working on her studies there at a private school footed by mum and money from my sister's estate.
My brother-in-law has fell into a deep pit and I cannot figure him out at all. I cannot figure MEN out at all. I mean, in my opinion and who am I to say what is right and what is wrong, but I am beside myself believing that after 22 yrs of marriage to Karen that he is able to renew his affection for another woman this soon. I don't know, I tried not to pass judgement on him after speaking to him about it and listening to him say he is lonely and misses Karen so much that he needed someone to feel for him. Okay, I get it. And suppose that Evie has been a little difficult on her father and with my nephews away now I guess it is a very lonely place for him right now. He claims it is not a serious relationship and that she is not living with him nor does he plan to GET MARRIED. He still has not removed any of my sister,s things from their house. I found myself understanding him in a way, but others are showing their disapproval and upset about his so called disrespect.
Anyway, Mum and Evie live an entirely different life from us here. We are plain and basic and Mum, well she still has her handsome boyfriends and gets her nails done once a week. I am envious to tell the truth because my mum has always stayed so beautiful. Taking care of herself and still gets those looks every time a man passes for a woman who's 62. After all she's been through, she still is vivacious and cool.
This year we plan a vacation to visit my sort of step father, Hamza in Rabat and absolutely cannot wait to see him and the city. I love it there and often go to see him as he is a wonderful host and is Nina's father which somehow brings me closer to her. My mum and Hammie split a few years before she passed, but they have always remained close. He could not make Karen's funeral, but he did visit her earlier before the end. Hammie is such a wonderful man and really wish things turned out differently and sometimes in a really juvenile way secretly wished that he was my dad. SILLY! He was so good with Nina and with us treating us all the same. The man did accept my wedding and arrange most of it speaking as my father as my bioloical one played infantile and stayed away. Drama I can live without. It has gotten better now.
Life is good after these past months and I am happy. But still lost without the writing. Perhaps as Andrew says, a far off adventure is needed to inspire my taste. Hell, I've been to Rabat four times. Nothing new in that but a loving hug, fantastic food, new hijab (as his mother's house is muslim) and a great sunset. I cannot wait!
Last week Andrew and I decided that moving back home was not in our best interest and made the ultimate decision to stay where we are. No move and we are not selling our house. I asked him if he really wanted to go or was is for me that he took the entry position in Johannesburg and of course he said it was for me that we would move. I sat and thought about this all night. Wandering the house on foot in the dark shadows of the street lamps illuminating through my windows. I live in a peaceful part of of the city and it was truly dead outside with not a stir from a taxi cab door or even a cat waltzing down the street. Not even a howl in the distance from a old dog wanting in his warm house. I thought of the peace this neighborhood has given me, the people and the hospital Andrew works at and have come to realize that home is truly where you are happiest.
I thought in delusion that returning home would be wonderful...but death, frustration and my country's twirl in things have made me feel a bit lost in that I no longer want it anymore. Confusion did set in for a while but when Andrew told me the news at Gatwick I was really happy. But I now know it was a just a temporary feeling mostly of the things I thought I wanted.
Well, I got what I really wanted after all and it is best served right here in Canada with my sometimes irrational husband, cranky kid and creepy new neighbour who really turned out to pretty nice after all. I have life and truly understand how precious it is having survived breast cancer and having the opportunity to share my life with two wonderful sisters who will forever be in my heart. I feel them in my soul when I think of them as if their spirits travelled across a plane just long enough to tell me they love me. I can feel them near and see their smiles clear as day but miss them both painfully too much. There is nothing I can do about this, and will have to let time heal and keep the fire burning with hope and comfort in a new generation with our children.
Evie is doing nicely living with Mum in Porto and they are having a great time there staying in a nice flat she purchased. Mum, in her retirement has found renewed life being a responsible grandmother to her only granddaughter and as Brian has seemed to GET OVER my sister a little too fast for our taste, Evie has not adjusted to his new relationship, via girlfriend and demanded that she she be allowed to move in with my Mum. Well, Brian trying to keep the peace said yes and Evie is in Portugal working on her studies there at a private school footed by mum and money from my sister's estate.
My brother-in-law has fell into a deep pit and I cannot figure him out at all. I cannot figure MEN out at all. I mean, in my opinion and who am I to say what is right and what is wrong, but I am beside myself believing that after 22 yrs of marriage to Karen that he is able to renew his affection for another woman this soon. I don't know, I tried not to pass judgement on him after speaking to him about it and listening to him say he is lonely and misses Karen so much that he needed someone to feel for him. Okay, I get it. And suppose that Evie has been a little difficult on her father and with my nephews away now I guess it is a very lonely place for him right now. He claims it is not a serious relationship and that she is not living with him nor does he plan to GET MARRIED. He still has not removed any of my sister,s things from their house. I found myself understanding him in a way, but others are showing their disapproval and upset about his so called disrespect.
Anyway, Mum and Evie live an entirely different life from us here. We are plain and basic and Mum, well she still has her handsome boyfriends and gets her nails done once a week. I am envious to tell the truth because my mum has always stayed so beautiful. Taking care of herself and still gets those looks every time a man passes for a woman who's 62. After all she's been through, she still is vivacious and cool.
This year we plan a vacation to visit my sort of step father, Hamza in Rabat and absolutely cannot wait to see him and the city. I love it there and often go to see him as he is a wonderful host and is Nina's father which somehow brings me closer to her. My mum and Hammie split a few years before she passed, but they have always remained close. He could not make Karen's funeral, but he did visit her earlier before the end. Hammie is such a wonderful man and really wish things turned out differently and sometimes in a really juvenile way secretly wished that he was my dad. SILLY! He was so good with Nina and with us treating us all the same. The man did accept my wedding and arrange most of it speaking as my father as my bioloical one played infantile and stayed away. Drama I can live without. It has gotten better now.
Life is good after these past months and I am happy. But still lost without the writing. Perhaps as Andrew says, a far off adventure is needed to inspire my taste. Hell, I've been to Rabat four times. Nothing new in that but a loving hug, fantastic food, new hijab (as his mother's house is muslim) and a great sunset. I cannot wait!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Things I think about...
Sundays are usually the day where my family and I sit back, still clad in our bed clothes and reflect on our life as well as rest for the coming week. My son, on the other hand is a bit too little to understand the significance of the day. Andrew also has it off and does what he does best...read and fall asleep. He is constantly learning and now understands why our son sleeps 12 hours a day. LOL
At any rate, for me it's a day that I do not have to much to do and devote much of my time to myself. But as relaxing as it seems, it can also be filled with too much thinking, which has taken a lot of energy away from me these days.
My call home to mum was a cheery one aside from Evie's sadness which is still very hard to see. Everyone else seems to be doing better with Bryan getting back to work this week.
Life moves on.
However...this day I sit with a cup of hot cocoa in hand staring out of my dinning room window and remember the last moments of Karen's life and wondered what each and everyone of us thought at that moment. Even Karen. I wonder if there was any consciousness left in her to understand what was going on at the time. Andrew explained that she was too far off in the tunnel of deaths journey that he didn't think so and probably too brain damaged to think of anything on our level. But who really knows where the threshold of our consciousness begins and where it ends? Is it really positioned within the depths of our brain or someplace else? Why does it hurt so much in the middle of our chest when we are heart broken? Andrew can explained till he's blue in the face because apparently there is one, but they are far too many questions that leaves me skeptic to the answers.
Never in a million years would I think that I would be sitting there holding apart of my sister as she took her last breath. Many of us were there to hold her, each of us touching her as we prayed, talking to her knowing we were soothing a unresponsive mind. The talk was mostly for us to ensure that she knew she was loved and never alone.
I still cannot believe it. This lesson in life that will hit us all at some point. For some when we are older like me and other's like Evie so young. She should not have had to endure this kind of pain. Her biggest question...like us all "was there anything we could have done to save her?" No. Just like the day on the highway with Nina...no one could change what happened that day too. Eric still would have sped and they still would have died. There is no one blame anywhere and with this loss I no longer fear the experience of death. I do not fear the loss either. Grief will always come and be like a crinkled piece of paper, never to be smoothed out but to see the folds and lines not as damage or ruin, but as reminders of what it was that day and what it has shown me.
I saw my sister lying there, covered in her favourite blanket, peaceful silence quieted the room after they turned off the bells and alarms. There were nine of us. Myself, Andrew, mum, Bryan, Evie, Liam, Brice, Marcus, and Liam's wife, Caroline present. Andrew had taken Bryan out of the room after the commotion when Karen coded. He couldn't watch as he said and they waited in the hall until after the staff doctor told us she had died. It wasn't a horrid thing. Just a calm that began with a few moments of deep, laboured breath and then she went still and like in the movies settled into the shell that was once her.
She was gone.
I heard a broken sigh escape my nephew, Liam as he kissed his mother whispering "I love you so much, Mum." He repeated the 'so much' part twice and then went out to see his dad. His voice was very quiet but seemed so loud in the stillness of the room. No heartbeats, crying, sobs, just an odd quiet that was interrupted by Liam and then tiny sniffles from Evie. Don't get me wrong, there were many tears.
We were all given time to say our last goodbyes with Evelyn and Mum given the most given by themselves. It was important for my niece to have that. Even Mum, because she wasn't allowed that with Nina. None of us were. Nina was in bad shape and there was no viewing at the funeral and Mum had said she didn't feel that it was real because she never got to hold her daughter before they put her in the ground. I thought to myself, my god this is just too much to handle coming from my mother's mouth about my little sister. Just too much to handle for me to stomach. But now I understand what she meant. Seeing Karen die, being there, apart of her last seconds made it real and with that I can deal with it. I know its weird, but really for me dealing with it face first and front helped me accept that Karen is truly gone and a memory to cherish. I told her I loved and missed her each time before I hung up the phone after we talked. And I can her voice say it back to me, even now.
I really do not understand this "grieving process" that people talk about. What is grieving anyway? Crying, Acceptance, Reflection? I really wish someone would tell me because I really don't know what the hell I feel like. Or what I should be feeling like. Nina was disbelief and recovery. But what is this?
At any rate, for me it's a day that I do not have to much to do and devote much of my time to myself. But as relaxing as it seems, it can also be filled with too much thinking, which has taken a lot of energy away from me these days.
My call home to mum was a cheery one aside from Evie's sadness which is still very hard to see. Everyone else seems to be doing better with Bryan getting back to work this week.
Life moves on.
However...this day I sit with a cup of hot cocoa in hand staring out of my dinning room window and remember the last moments of Karen's life and wondered what each and everyone of us thought at that moment. Even Karen. I wonder if there was any consciousness left in her to understand what was going on at the time. Andrew explained that she was too far off in the tunnel of deaths journey that he didn't think so and probably too brain damaged to think of anything on our level. But who really knows where the threshold of our consciousness begins and where it ends? Is it really positioned within the depths of our brain or someplace else? Why does it hurt so much in the middle of our chest when we are heart broken? Andrew can explained till he's blue in the face because apparently there is one, but they are far too many questions that leaves me skeptic to the answers.
Never in a million years would I think that I would be sitting there holding apart of my sister as she took her last breath. Many of us were there to hold her, each of us touching her as we prayed, talking to her knowing we were soothing a unresponsive mind. The talk was mostly for us to ensure that she knew she was loved and never alone.
I still cannot believe it. This lesson in life that will hit us all at some point. For some when we are older like me and other's like Evie so young. She should not have had to endure this kind of pain. Her biggest question...like us all "was there anything we could have done to save her?" No. Just like the day on the highway with Nina...no one could change what happened that day too. Eric still would have sped and they still would have died. There is no one blame anywhere and with this loss I no longer fear the experience of death. I do not fear the loss either. Grief will always come and be like a crinkled piece of paper, never to be smoothed out but to see the folds and lines not as damage or ruin, but as reminders of what it was that day and what it has shown me.
I saw my sister lying there, covered in her favourite blanket, peaceful silence quieted the room after they turned off the bells and alarms. There were nine of us. Myself, Andrew, mum, Bryan, Evie, Liam, Brice, Marcus, and Liam's wife, Caroline present. Andrew had taken Bryan out of the room after the commotion when Karen coded. He couldn't watch as he said and they waited in the hall until after the staff doctor told us she had died. It wasn't a horrid thing. Just a calm that began with a few moments of deep, laboured breath and then she went still and like in the movies settled into the shell that was once her.
She was gone.
I heard a broken sigh escape my nephew, Liam as he kissed his mother whispering "I love you so much, Mum." He repeated the 'so much' part twice and then went out to see his dad. His voice was very quiet but seemed so loud in the stillness of the room. No heartbeats, crying, sobs, just an odd quiet that was interrupted by Liam and then tiny sniffles from Evie. Don't get me wrong, there were many tears.
We were all given time to say our last goodbyes with Evelyn and Mum given the most given by themselves. It was important for my niece to have that. Even Mum, because she wasn't allowed that with Nina. None of us were. Nina was in bad shape and there was no viewing at the funeral and Mum had said she didn't feel that it was real because she never got to hold her daughter before they put her in the ground. I thought to myself, my god this is just too much to handle coming from my mother's mouth about my little sister. Just too much to handle for me to stomach. But now I understand what she meant. Seeing Karen die, being there, apart of her last seconds made it real and with that I can deal with it. I know its weird, but really for me dealing with it face first and front helped me accept that Karen is truly gone and a memory to cherish. I told her I loved and missed her each time before I hung up the phone after we talked. And I can her voice say it back to me, even now.
I really do not understand this "grieving process" that people talk about. What is grieving anyway? Crying, Acceptance, Reflection? I really wish someone would tell me because I really don't know what the hell I feel like. Or what I should be feeling like. Nina was disbelief and recovery. But what is this?
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Sunday
Wow...it's been ten days since my last post and happy to be home in my own house. This morning I awoke feeling good inside, made some tea and thought I'd talk to myself about a few things that have been on my mind lately.
Usually, my morning involves a call made to Karen, but as I speak to her; and I still do I receive nothing in return. I cannot say how sad it makes me feel and still unable to process the fact that she is no longer here anymore. There are times during the day when I'm so busy, I do not even think about her and other times it hits me so hard in the heart with a stone it knocks my breath away. It is really difficult to get through sometimes. It hurts even more knowing my Mum has lost two of her children and must face the world with only one child npw. I do not dare to ask how she manages because I suppose I cannot bare to hear her not be the pillar of strength that I have always seen in tragic times. I have seen her fall this time understandably and it was a time I have never seen before. I am person who dreads having to confront situations that are difficult. No one does, but it is a great fear that I hate to face even thought I know I must.
During the plane ride to ZA in November, I knew that it was going to be a hard journey to take. I do not know why, but just had a feeling of dread I had never felt before and knew that my return home would be made with great change. The skeptic at heart, I tried to quell my feelings but sitting alone onboard the flights I had nothing else to think about other than what lay ahead. Those feelings are useless now. It was so many things aside from a huge case of DEATH. Not only did Karen die, I had also visited my younger sister's grave site for the first time and her death was made more real as well. It has surrounded us as a family these past five years and I'm really am tired of thinking about it. Or having to face it. Having to move on with a great loss in my life and watching others I love so much have to face it too.
I am not depressed and really do not know what it feels like to experience that sort of illness. Andrew says that I shove things aside too soon that I do not have time to experience grief and we had a long discussion about this very issue last night and how he thinks I am handling things. He says he's worried about me, but to tell the truth I really do not know how to feel. I had some greif counseling at the hospital just after Karen died and really didn't know what to say? Time, I suppose heals things best because sitting here right now I simply cannot describe how I feel. Sort of numb, angry a bit at the curcumstances even though it was no one's fault this time.
Andrew made certain she received the best care possible and really do not care if we used his medical status as doctor to push for the best care. But no one would do any different if they too had a doctor in the family. There was no drama besides Bryan's upset which to my own thought would most likely be the same if it were Andrew there dying. Seeing him crushed me. I've known him nearly all my life and never saw a man of his stature reduced to the state he was in that day. Karen's choice was a handsome one and Bryan has always been a strong man both physically and mentally. Andrew later said Bryan sank to the floor in the hall when he took him out of the room and couldn't standup. My three nephews were also in dispair but able to see their Mum through to the end. We all were, even my dad. They are all grown into young men now, but it is Evelyn I am most worried about. She has clinged to my mother and refuses to return home.
Mum called the other day with concerns about my neice and what to do with her. She has encouraged Evie to go home to be with her Dad and brothers because they need her, but she says she doesn't want to go. What to do, what to do? Mum has expressed interest in a long visit this summer here in Canada and must say I was overjoyed to hear her say that. But it looks like Evie may be joining her as my brother in law has already said she can stay as long as she needs to with Mum. She has agreed to return to Pretoria and stay there as long as Evie needs her. She really needs to go back to school and return to her life. But I think they both need each other a lot right now. Evelyn was very close to her mother and has even taken to crawling into my mum's bed at night because she says Evie cries so much and needs the soothing. I suppose looking at her as a young girl of 15 she is still a child in the heart and needs that closeness. Karen used to tell me that before bed they would cuddle close every night and talk about things that happened that day. Then it was a kiss goodnight and off to bed.
To tell the truth, I do not think Bryan can handle his daughter's grief right now. He's not the cuddling type. I have only spoken to him once since the funeral and he is not doing well either. My eldest nephew and his wife are taking care of things there right now and have moved in with him for the time being.
I suppose being far away and not having to be exposed to the daily reminders of my sister is good in a way and can see why Evie does not want to go home. She would be reminded of her mum everyday not being in their home. It hurts to imagine that and hurts more to know my niece must face it soon. But I am glad that Mum is there to help her get through this. Together, their healing will happen. I am certain of it.
Usually, my morning involves a call made to Karen, but as I speak to her; and I still do I receive nothing in return. I cannot say how sad it makes me feel and still unable to process the fact that she is no longer here anymore. There are times during the day when I'm so busy, I do not even think about her and other times it hits me so hard in the heart with a stone it knocks my breath away. It is really difficult to get through sometimes. It hurts even more knowing my Mum has lost two of her children and must face the world with only one child npw. I do not dare to ask how she manages because I suppose I cannot bare to hear her not be the pillar of strength that I have always seen in tragic times. I have seen her fall this time understandably and it was a time I have never seen before. I am person who dreads having to confront situations that are difficult. No one does, but it is a great fear that I hate to face even thought I know I must.
During the plane ride to ZA in November, I knew that it was going to be a hard journey to take. I do not know why, but just had a feeling of dread I had never felt before and knew that my return home would be made with great change. The skeptic at heart, I tried to quell my feelings but sitting alone onboard the flights I had nothing else to think about other than what lay ahead. Those feelings are useless now. It was so many things aside from a huge case of DEATH. Not only did Karen die, I had also visited my younger sister's grave site for the first time and her death was made more real as well. It has surrounded us as a family these past five years and I'm really am tired of thinking about it. Or having to face it. Having to move on with a great loss in my life and watching others I love so much have to face it too.
I am not depressed and really do not know what it feels like to experience that sort of illness. Andrew says that I shove things aside too soon that I do not have time to experience grief and we had a long discussion about this very issue last night and how he thinks I am handling things. He says he's worried about me, but to tell the truth I really do not know how to feel. I had some greif counseling at the hospital just after Karen died and really didn't know what to say? Time, I suppose heals things best because sitting here right now I simply cannot describe how I feel. Sort of numb, angry a bit at the curcumstances even though it was no one's fault this time.
Andrew made certain she received the best care possible and really do not care if we used his medical status as doctor to push for the best care. But no one would do any different if they too had a doctor in the family. There was no drama besides Bryan's upset which to my own thought would most likely be the same if it were Andrew there dying. Seeing him crushed me. I've known him nearly all my life and never saw a man of his stature reduced to the state he was in that day. Karen's choice was a handsome one and Bryan has always been a strong man both physically and mentally. Andrew later said Bryan sank to the floor in the hall when he took him out of the room and couldn't standup. My three nephews were also in dispair but able to see their Mum through to the end. We all were, even my dad. They are all grown into young men now, but it is Evelyn I am most worried about. She has clinged to my mother and refuses to return home.
Mum called the other day with concerns about my neice and what to do with her. She has encouraged Evie to go home to be with her Dad and brothers because they need her, but she says she doesn't want to go. What to do, what to do? Mum has expressed interest in a long visit this summer here in Canada and must say I was overjoyed to hear her say that. But it looks like Evie may be joining her as my brother in law has already said she can stay as long as she needs to with Mum. She has agreed to return to Pretoria and stay there as long as Evie needs her. She really needs to go back to school and return to her life. But I think they both need each other a lot right now. Evelyn was very close to her mother and has even taken to crawling into my mum's bed at night because she says Evie cries so much and needs the soothing. I suppose looking at her as a young girl of 15 she is still a child in the heart and needs that closeness. Karen used to tell me that before bed they would cuddle close every night and talk about things that happened that day. Then it was a kiss goodnight and off to bed.
To tell the truth, I do not think Bryan can handle his daughter's grief right now. He's not the cuddling type. I have only spoken to him once since the funeral and he is not doing well either. My eldest nephew and his wife are taking care of things there right now and have moved in with him for the time being.
I suppose being far away and not having to be exposed to the daily reminders of my sister is good in a way and can see why Evie does not want to go home. She would be reminded of her mum everyday not being in their home. It hurts to imagine that and hurts more to know my niece must face it soon. But I am glad that Mum is there to help her get through this. Together, their healing will happen. I am certain of it.
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